Tell us a little bit about yourself  -- I'd like to find out how you got into fandom (or were you always a fan?) as well as what you'd like readers to know about yourself. What, from your background, in terms of your life experience, your work and recreational interests affects what you write

Since you didn't specify whether you meant slash-fandom or the fandom in general I'll just start there, or rather a bit earlier. Once I knew how to read I read almost everything I could get my hands on but my favourites were always tales with some kind of phantastic or historical elements. As a child I love myths and folktales, read things like Prince Valiant, Karl May (A German writer of the 19th century who wrote so-called 'traveller-tales' about adventures in Arabia or with Indians), everything I could find about pirates and the European myths which led me to King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table which then led me to Marion Zimmer Bradley. And after reading Mists of Avalon I also read her other books, especially her Darkover-books who were my first actual contact with homoerotic ideas. And it was through Darkover that I got involved in the fandom, first a Darkover-dinner (fans meeting for dinner) and then more and more contacts with the German Fantasy- and SF-Fandom. And as things are within the fandom, one gets introduced to others, so one day a friend gave me an address with the words *I think you two would get along just fine*. And we did get along just fine and she introduced me to K/S (Kirk/Spock). I was hooked. And the rest is more or less history.

What was your first emotional response to homoerotica -- squicked or fascinated?

Hm, fascinated mostly, or rather curious. And I wanted more, that I remember very strongly, always searching for fantasy-books with homoerotic contents, mostly male/male-couples. I've also read some with female couples but most didn't really interest me, but that might have had to do with the characters. 

Since back then the Internet was nothing more than a dream, we had to make do with zines.The first homoerotic story I wrote was Darkover. The first slashstory was K/S. But also a lot of my original work involved sexuality and the question of gender. For some time the idea of hermaphrodites fascinated me and influecend a lot of my earlier work. And vampires. I always loved reading stories about them. Interview with the Vampire was one of the first books I tried reading in English, after studying English for only three years. I had to look up a lot of words but found out that this is the best way to learn a language. Things really changed when a friend of mine talked me into writing a Star Wars story in English for her, or rather for her Star Wars zine Elusive Lover. Until than I'd only written a small story for my English class and wasn't really sure whether that was a good idea. It worked, more or less, but I had a great beta-reader. Since then I've written more and more in English in rather wide variety of fandoms (Star Wars, X-Files, Voyager, Babylon 5, James Bond: Goldeneye, Professionals and Hercules or rather Ares)

What affects my writing? Foremost my love of fantasy. The fandoms I'm interested in usually have some fantastic element, or are science fiction. Most of my original work is fantasy. I can't really say why. Maybe it's the freedom it gives me. I can make things up. People can have magic, or be telepaths, or shapeshifter, swordfighters from mysterious tribes etc. And I think here comes also my love of myths and history, especially Medieval History into it. A theme that very often comes up in my fiction is either loneliness or being an outsider. I guess that's one of the reasons why I find vampires so interesting. They are outsiders, their changed condition forces them to life outside the so-called society. But of course there's also the physical abilities and the mix of violence and sexuality.

Do you feel like an outsider?

Yes, very often actually. It was really bad when I was a teenager. We moved a lot due to my father's job and I always had to get used to new surroundings, new people and try to find new friends which was never easy as I'm also rather shy.
And with my interests, I'm usually an outsider. There aren't that many people around who read fantasy or slash. 

How did you become a fan of the show(s)? (What attracts/attracted you to them?)

Can I blame Claire? She pointed me in the direction of the archive and then I was lost.No, actually I was lost before, when I glimpsed a certain dark GOW.It's usually characters that interested me. Or the whole theme. With X-Files it was the whole mix of science and mythology and SF (and then they added Alex Krycek in dark leather and it was over). With Voyager it was definitely Tom Paris as show in the pilot. The outsider who hides his vulnerabilty and loneliness behind a carefree, easy-going mask, pretending that nothing really hurts him.

Is that how you see Ares? I notice that you tend to pair him with another 'outsider': Iphicles or Hephaestus.

Yes, I think he's an outsider in many ways. He's shunned by many people, forced into a role that limits him in many ways because people only see in him what they want to see which is a very one-sided view of him. 

And characters like Iphicles or Hephaestus have the emotional vulnerability I love exploring. And I can see why they would be so attracted to him, as he seems to go through life not really caring about what others think of him. As brooding characters they would be attracted to this kind of personality.

I know I would have problems writing characters like Iolaus or Hercules (I tried!). In some ways they are too nice and uncomplicated, or maybe to well-liked. 

How did you start writing Herc-Xenaverse fan fiction?

I joined the KSA-list and got inspired.

Were there any specific themes that you saw developing in the fandom specific stories that inspired you?

Hm, discussions on the list, things that made me think, images supplied by stories, all that worked together to inspire me. Ideas that came up while discussing things. getting inspired has never really been a problem for me, finishing things is the problem. 

And then there's the fact that the whole list is very supportive and welcoming which makes writing a joy. 

What is it that attracts you to writing about men having sex? [Assuming  you do of course. ;-)] And what sort of men having sex together do you like to write about?)

Power. Both the equality of power, the whole struggle between male and female is missing.

Oh? I'm fascinated.  How do you see the struggle between male and female?

Well, I have some confusing ideas about that. They might not make much sense so you're warned. Man and woman are unequal. That's something I'm pretty sure of. It starts with biology and then moves into the area of nature and nurture. With lots of things it's debatable weather it's actully a nurture or nature thing. 

I think that men and women move on two different levels which always complicates relationships between them. Of course you can have similar problems with two men or two women but they still are different. They move on the same level and understand things someone from the other sex wouldn't. Don't know if that makes much sense. 

And of course that it's two attractive men together, there's something highly erotic about that.

No argument from me!

Tall, dark-haired and beautiful. Also bad-boys like Ares or Alex Krycek or Avon. Exceptions to that rule are Tom Paris and Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn (my newest obsession).

I might come up with more once I get a chance to really sort my thoughts.

Had anymore?

Hm, couples that are at odd in some ways, couples you wouldn't really expect together. And I'm romantic, so it's: Love conquers all! 

Yes, that's hitting it pretty nicely, couples where the situation makes a love-relationship rather impossible. Krycek and Mulder are enemies, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are master and student, Ares and Iphicles are God and mortal. All this relationships would make love difficult, maybe even improbable. And still they come together, are drawn together and are unable to resist their own feelings.

Couples where the relationship is almost a given (i.e. Herc and Iolaus) don't interest me that much. It's this fighting against all odds, against society, their own problems, rules of their own, all those complications and odds they have to fight against that make these pairs so interesting to me.

What in particular is difficult or easiest about writing the sex scenes? (What importance do you attach to the sex scenes in your stories an how do you feel when you write them?)

It depends on the story, the mood I'm creating, is it more romantic or more passionate/wild. And some stories even work without any sex. I guess my biggest problem is vocabulary, sometimes I just don't know the right word for what I want to say or get lost in my own sentence-structure. And I have the problem of what happens when, where and how but I have the same problem with my action-scenes, it's the flow of the narrative and the red-line that should be in it. And I'm always wondering if certain acrobatics are actually do-able or pleasurable.

I just thought: of course you're an outsider in this language.

But trying to fit in.

If you could see any of your stories made into a real episode, which one would you choose and why? What would make it work as an episode?

Gwen: Hm, Winterstorms I would say. I think it would make a nice Christmas-ep, because of the focus on the characters, their relationships and the whole quietness of it (and of course that last scene with Ares and Iphy. Also that it cast Ares in a different light, gives him more depth (something that has only been hinted at in other eps) and raises questions about his
motives.

Which story are you the most proud of and why?

Fandomwise? Or just any story? The best one I've written so far would be one of my German stories, an original story called Eine Art von Ekstase (A Kind of Ecstasy). The story was an experiment where I wrote three or four different versions of the whole story, playing around with tenses and using names and no no names for the characters. The end-version is written in the present-form and uses no names. I'm very happy with the whole narrative which is very focused and fast, drawing the reader in. It's a brutal story but still somehow touching. Can't really explain it but I just love this story and still think of it as my best work.

Are you sure you can't give us a brief summary or have you posted it somewhere?

Summary? Hm, I could try but it wouldn't make much sense, as the story lives more from the narrative than anything else. The story was published in some fanzine. Is maybe going to get published again soon in a anthology but I wouldn't mind sharing it. The main problem is, that it's written in German.  But basically it's about a female vampire who uses men for their own advantage, a male companion to lure victims out where she can feed on them and kill them and if her *lover* starts questioning her, demanding more (as a vampire she's not interested in sex, feeding, drinking blood brings her the highest ecstasy), she usually kills them, as there's just on kind of ecstasy for her.

As for fanfic, I would say Three Wishes for Alex, an attempt at humor and I think the story really turned out funny. And Crying in the Rain, my James Bond story which is just sad and I don't know, I just think it's very beautiful piece of writing, wich touches the reader.

And in your Hercfic?

Worship Me. 

Which character(s) do you most enjoy writing and why?

Badboys who hide their vulnerabilities behind masks. Characters with difficult lives. Complex characters like Iphicles or Alex Krycek. Why? They are fascinating and while writing about the I can address issuess that interest me or that I want to write about.

What are your feelings on feedback and story critiquing?

I love feedback. And I also have no problems if somebody takes my story apart and critizes things as long as it's not presonal. I ussually try to ignore negative feedaback that's nothing more than a personal attack. It hurts but I don't try to let it hurt. But constructive critisissem is usually very welcome as it helps me to see where weeknesses in my writing my be and that helps me to improve my writing.

What inspires you to send feedback on a story?

Difficult to say. Time is often an issue. And that I never really know what to say. 'Loved it' just sounds so lame. I usually try to give some more in-depth feedback.

What is the hardest part of writing for you?

Coming up with a title for the story and finishing anything.

What one story do you think people will always remember you for?

No idea.

Well, in your wildest fantasies -- what do you want carved on your tombstone?

Winner of the Nobel Prize. Or the Hugo.

Did you always want to be a writer or did the creative urge strike later in life? Please talk about your other creative outlets also and how they intersect/overlap your Hercfic.

As a child I was always making up stories, inventing worlds and playing in them. And I never really stopped. I tried writing my ideas down but never finshed anything until my father got a computer and I learned to type and I got involved with the fandom where I suddenly had an audience. But I was always creative in one way or another, be it building furniture for my barbie-dolls, sewing, knitting, crocheting and so on and so on, something which my parents always supported. Other creative outlets? Hm, I also write poetry, have tried drawing (no patience for it), music (played baroque recorder and organ, but now just no time for it) and I used to make my own jewlery and also stuff like cards and pen-paper. Right now I don't have that much free time so that a lot of my creative interests suffer because I simply don't have to the time for it. Writing is still the main creative outlet for me, and it's not only stories, also letters, poetry, diary etc. And simple story-telling (also I usually only tell them to myself).

Do you write other fic as well as fanfic?  Do you hope to publish original fic some day?

Yes and yes.

What stories are you working on now?

Do you want the whole list?

Let's see. I promised a friend to write an SW-story for her, actually a sequel to my SW-story Discoveries. In the Ares-verse I have a whole series called War's Chosen which I'm more or less working on and several other story-ideas and the unfinished Santuary.

Also I'm trying to work on my original-novel but can't get really into it right now. Needs more thinking. And then there are tons of unfinished stories that I really should finish.

Would you die if your mother found out?

My mother knows that I'm writing but not what I'm writing and since she doesn't speak English the danger of being found out isn't that high. Die? No, but it would be a discussion I would rather avoid. Her questions about some of my gay novels were bad enough.

Ok. We'll leave it at that.

This interview was conducted in January 2000 by Taz.