Slash Rules

These are light-hearted digs at some of the clichés that crop up in this fandom.

The hunks always find the underdogs the most appealing.
The underdogs wish they had the hunks and are always clueless that the hunks like them.
Due to godhood, men can fuck longer, harder, and keep it up like never before.
Violence is normally a turn on.
Violence is good and fun and healthy.
Men actually discuss their feelings.
Men do not have bodily functions, unless the plot calls for it.
The tough guys like to cuddle (but not always).
Somehow all conversations lead to sex thoughts.
Hordes of women always want the hunk, but he never believes them.
The underdog will never believe that his friend/pal/uncle/other will go for his fantasy idea.
If they're blond and pretty and a sidekick, use them and abuse them but let them have some fun as well, so that their heroes can go on a guilt-trip.
Brothers are the best, or love thy brother as thyself and show him how.
Chains have to be made by Hephaestus.
Remember the leather.
Iphicles has amber eyes and copper hair; Ares, ebony hair and chocolate eyes; Strife, cyan eyes and alabaster skin.
Iolaus bounces (something he has in common with Blair from TS).
Everyone gets to top Iphy except Herc.
Ares never even heard of bondage until he met Caesar.
Caesar invented BDSM.
Iolaus is the Golden Hunter; Herc is the big guy.
Ares and Hercules secretly love each other.
Iphicles and Hercules secretly love each other.
Iphicles and Iolaus secretly love each other.
It's no secret, but Ares and Iphicles love each other.
Apparently everyone in ancient Greece was into incest.
Ares' cock is the size of ancient Greece.
Hercules is a masochist.
When Iphicles and Hercules have sex, they always wish they were doing someone else.
Ares moves like a panther or some other jungle cat.
Auto must twirl his mustache at least once in every fic.
Ares gets interested in Iphicles at least partly because they look so much alike.
Ares has slept with every god and mortal in the Herc-Xenaverse, and yet people are surprised to find out he boinked <fill in the blank>.
In the alt world, Iphicles and the Sov are lovers, as are Cupid and Ares.
Ares is taller than Iphicles.
Iphicles never means it when he says "No."
Iolaus never says "No" at all.
Gods always make their own and their lovers' clothes disappear just by thinking about it.
Aphrodite and Psyche never object to Hephaestus and Cupid boinking men on the side, but Persephone sometimes objects if Hades does it.
Joxer and Strife give the most amazing blow jobs.
Ares won't sit in any chair that doesn't have an arm for him to drape his leg over.
Herc is not the brightest crayon in the box.
Iphicles only whines to annoy Herc.
Iolaus is the real brains in the outfit.
Joxer is a lot smarter that he acts.
Xena and Joxer are secret lovers.
Ares is not a bad guy, just a guy with a very nasty job to do.
Callisto is not crazy; she just doesn't give a shit.
Caesar is a very kinky bastard.
Ares is a very sweet guy once you get to know him.
Joxer only sings to annoy Gabrielle.
Everyone in ancient Greece is bi.
Everyone is capable of deep throating even the largest of cocks with minimal experience.
The sheets are always silk (despite the fact that silk is actually a bad choice in bed linens since it becomes very coarse when damp).
Joxer is a virgin.
Joxer is the most experienced slut in all of Greece.
Iolaus giggles.
No two points in Greece are ever more than a few days apart.
No one ever has body odor, bad teeth, or bad breath unless they're the villain, in which case the above is mandatory.
Everyone wears leather, occasionally accessorized with silk.
Despite occasional bouts with PMS women never seem to actually reach their cycle.
Iph gets killed more times than Iolaus.
Herules blushes.... a lot.
Iolaus has golden curls, even though he actually has ratty wavy blond hair.
Ares can sneer on both sides of his face at once.
Cupid GOW is a black winged nasty bastard, even though none of us have ever seen him and don't even know if he has black wings.
'Dite is a conniving bitch on the quiet.
Heph is secretly in love with Ares.
Herc is secretly in love with Ares.
Iolaus is secretly in love with Ares.
Cupid is secretly in love with Ares.
Dite is secretly in love with Ares.
Fuck it! Everyone is secretly in love with Ares.
Iolaus eats... a lot.
Ares never talks, he purrs or growls.
Nobody wears underwear.
Battlefields are sexy.
All temples have a polished marble altar big enough for two guys to fuck on.
There are no laws against sex in public places in Ancient Greece.
Greece has more natural hot springs per square mile than any other country on Earth.
Ares normally drapes his leg only so he can receive better oral.
Iolaus is prettiest when on his knees.
Ares never, ever gives up control (except to Iph).
Cupid and Strife are 'secret lovers', except everyone always suspects.
Cupid wants to shoot his mother with his arrows, but only to hurt her for constantly prying.
The Sov is always demented, but can be tamed by Iphicles, and the GOL.
No one ever suffers from morning breath.
No one ever suffers from occasional bouts of impotence--our guys are always hard and ready to go.
Despite his reputation, we never see Zeus in action.
Caesar cannot have any other partners beside Ares, and on the rare occasion Iphicles. Though he may have Joxer if the plot device calls for Joxer-torture.
Joxer must never realize the stupidity of loving Gabrielle until AFTER he's happy with Ares and/or Strife.
It takes Joxer's death to make Ares and/or Strife to realize that they love said mortal.
Strife is not dead, not for good anyway.
Discord and Strife hate each other.
Caesar is a sadist.
Sex amongst the centaurs is a mystery.
The tube of lube is never empty.
There is no wet spot.
Discord is Strife's mother, and Ares' sister.
All asses are good asses.
Dite is always planning to set Ares up, normally with Joxer.
Hera suffers from eternal mood swings, from caring mom to bitchy stepmom.
When falling in love, Ares always wonders if Cupid or Dite put a spell on him.
Ares is secretly in love with Herc, but settles for Iphicles.
Iphicles is secretly in love with Herc, but settles for Ares.
Iphicles suffers from mortal brother of a heroic demi-god jealousy.
Ares suffers from godly brother of a heroic demi-god hatred.
Dite acts like an airhead to get away with her schemes.
If it moves, Iolaus fucks it.
Jason gets laid less then Artemis.
There are lakes every 200 paces and each lake is rife with fish.
Bugs do not crawl all over you even though you are sleeping naked on the cold ground.
Anyone and everyone can give great blow jobs, and they have no problem swallowing all the cum.
Iolaus can catch a brace of rabbits, skin them, cook them, eat them, and then fuck Hercules 5 times without breaking a sweat.
Having a big cock is a requirement for living in ancient Greece.
Ares has a secret lust for Hercules.
Anal sex (no matter how large the cock involved) never hurts unless hurt is important to the plot.
Falafel is the only non sexual being in ancient Greece.
Salmoneus is the only (other) non sexual being in ancient Greece.
Ares' favorite pastime is masturbation.
Ares is always bored, especially at the beginning of a fic.
The bed is never too small as no one falls off it, even if they are laying against the edge and start to move/shift/roll.
No matter how hard or soft the bedding may be, no one ever gets a backache from sleeping or having sex on it.
Joxer always looks better without his armour.
When lovers, Ares must always grant Joxer Immortality and/or Godhood.
Psyche is a slut.
Rebel Joxer is Cupid GOW's lover.
Rebel Joxer is Ares GOL's lover.
Everyone finds Cupid's wings erotic.
Aphrodite and Discord are secretly lovers.
Joxer is misunderstood and underappreciated.
Ares is misunderstood and underappreciated.
Strife is misunderstood and underappreciated.
Joxer is really a God, but nobody knows it.
Joxer is never as clumsy in the bedroom.
If Joxer is one of the main pairing, his lover must say, "so that's why they call you 'The Mighty'" and/or "so that's why Meg's girls like you so much!"
When both Aphrodite and Joxer are in the same story, she must always call him "studmuffin".
When Aphrodite and Iolaus are in the same story, she must always call him "Curly" or "Sweet Cheeks".
Joxer must always be made to choose between Ares and his friends.
Joxer was beaten by his father as a child.
Ares was beaten by Zeus while growing up.
Jett and Joxer "aren't just brothers".
BDSM was always the kind of game Joxer and Jett played growing up.
Joxer always has a long, graceful neck.
And Ares has a neck fetish.
The oil is always handy for mortals, and gods just get prepared with a thought.
Even if clothes get ripped, they're perfectly fine come morning.
It's never so cold that you cannot roll on top on the bedroll naked.
Barns never have any offending horse odor.
Chest or body hair never gets stuck on the wet spot, mainly, because there never is one.
Cupid, though he is a God of Love, is very much Ares' child when he's in heat or love. And for some reason, wearing leather pants is hereditary in that lineage.
Strife's skin always has to glow. It may be pale, but it glows in the right light.
Ares can be redeemed, but Caesar can't.
Ares secretly likes to be dominated.

Contributors:
Ab Cee, Ashera, Bard, Cathryn, Dee, Gwendolen, Erin, Huntress, JaimeBlue, Jenn, Jenn M, Joey RZ, Lady Viper, Narcissus, Oshun Anat, Rusalka, Spooky, Tham, Voracity, Xen.